Always a Student, Sometimes a Teacher

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

That's how I'm feeling lately. The one that doesn't fit. The complete realization hit me tonight. I was completely excited about attending a homegroup that I was invited to through some friends at church. I go there with family and all and the people are so nice. I'm the only one with small children though, but okay. Well, since my children can't stop coming in and out even though I have them all set up to with a video, coloring books, crayons, toys and my son insists on shoving his Speed Racer toy in everyone's face, I decide it's time to leave. This is all happening before it got started. It really bummed me out. It was the one thing I had been looking forward to all week long. I don't have weekend nights anymore since the hubby works. Monday nights are dance class for Miss A. So I only have Tuesday and Wednesday night.

So afterwards I just go home and go to bed. I'm just so deflated. It comes to me. I DON'T FIT.

My whole life I haven't fit anywhere. I love my family, but I've always been the one who sticks out like a sore thumb- let's not even talking about extended family.

School wise- I was always the goody two-shoes. I remember the first time I cussed in front of my friends and you could literally hear a pin drop ( even though they cussed much more than me), I get all the shocked looks and "why did you say that"

I wasn't a party girl in school. My idea of fun was sitting around at someone's house and watching videos, going out to eat, shopping (on a very limited budget). I didn't find that very much.

Back in my early college years in my many attempts to fit in I joined a sorority. You would have thought I'd join an historically black sorority. Did I? Nope. I didn't know anyone and how to get any information. So I join the another sorority. Did I fit there- nope.

Then I finish college later in life and I definitely didn't fit there.

Now in my adult life, I've never found a church where I fit and I keep expecting to fit somewhere. Isn't that stupid?

Left our recent church after almost 3 years. I could literally walk in and out of a service without seeing anyone I knew and I was active and volunteered.
So on the search goes, found one that I'm interested in, but Mr. K is the only boy in his class and the youngest in that class too.

Let's not even get started on the career front. My stomach literally gets into knots thinking about it.

It's all so frustrating. I just feel like giving up.

I know church too most people is just a building, but it's not to me. It's a body of believers joining together to share their lives. I always recall the scriptures about how we are the body. Well, lately I feel like a hair follicle or an eyebrow hair, last year I felt like a toenail. But at least a toenail has a pretty important position.

I can see why some people are recluses. Many this is what my life is. Even Jesus had 12 friends and 3 very close friends that He took during his most difficult and dark hour. I can't even say I have 2 friends like that.

I'm not a horrible person. I promise.

So I had the worst night sleep ever tonight. I'm so looking forward to what today will bring. Yeah... notice the sarcasm. I just want to sit and bawl and eat and bawl and scream until something changes, but I don't know what.

There, I wrote it. I don't feel any better, but I wrote it.

posted by Astreia at 5:09 AM -

4 Comments:

At May 21, 2008 at 1:08 PM, Dawn Endres said…

I'm so sorry you are feeling low. *Hugs* I wish you lived closer to me so we could hang out all the time and go shopping and to the movies and whatever.
At May 23, 2008 at 1:31 PM, Helen said…

I hope you can find a church you love, and with it find the friends you desire.
At May 23, 2008 at 6:33 PM, Chelsea said…

I hate that you feel that way.
Chloe and I have found a great church in Dallas...I really wish you were closer.
You know, there are so many people who feel exactly the same way you do. I've been there before too.
I hope things get easier soon.
At May 30, 2008 at 4:26 PM, Heather said…

*Hugs* I'm so sorry! We're currently searching for a good church too, it's hard. I hope you feel better soon!